Will today be raining?

a tale of rain drop

Die Trying

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It’s better to die trying than giving up

I’ve been holding up to this sentences from my younger days. A lot of things has happened in my life, and whilst it is true that I haven’t even reach the places where I want to be (remembering about my post from 5 years ago), I am quite satisfied of where I am right now, or at least of the man I am today. I might not yet fulfilled my life by my condition, but I know that I am much better than that kids 5 years ago – and even better than the one 10 years ago or 15 years ago.

First time I am thinking about this sentence (better to die trying than giving up) is around 15 years ago. I was almost giving up myself at the time, I felt that there is no future in my life. But then again, I am seeing to the future me, 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, and 25 more years ahead of me. I know where I can be, I know what I can be, even though I don’t know how to get there, I made a vow to myself: “I’ll die trying – and it’s better than giving up and die a dog’s way”.

Everyday, I am trying to find a way to reach what I want to be. I am trying to learn new things, aware of new opportunities, keeping everything I have for one and one purpose only – fulfilling that vow. At the time, I feels like I’ve died once and since then I am no longer alive. If I die, it’s a fortune for me, but if I am alive, I’ll try with all of my life as if it is the last of my life.

Now big questions for me, from myself 15 years ago to my current self:

“Are you happy, yet?”



“Living all of that life, living in fear: die trying – is not a life worth enough to live on as a human”

“So.. what do you think we should do? Are you regretting our decision?”

“No, I am not regretting it. Do we have another choice? Or… would you like to stay in that place another time longer?”

“Yes.. I understand what you means. I am thankful, blissful even, for God to give us a chance to escape that life. So, we have escape that life, you are not happy yet. But mostly I can see, you are not happy because of your state of mind, not your condition, right?”

“Now you mention it, yes you are right. I should be happy. A lot of people are less fortunate than me right now. But I can’t bring myself – ourselves – to be happy.”

“Then? What will you do? Will you keep that life?”

“I haven’t found another way of life yet..”

“Btw, what level/stage are you right now (from all of the 8 stages of life we design)?”

“Currently I am on level 4 to 5”

“It seems like you change the design of the life stages quite much. It’s become harder and more complex to fulfill, isn’t it?”

“Yes, along the way I found out a lot of parameter should be inputted into our life to make it complete. So I am accommodating those.”

“Yes, I like your design better and I can see that you are already much better than me. Being who you are, I believe you can achieve and fulfill all of the stages we design.”

“Thank you, I am trying to”

“It seems like you change your religion but you don’t change our belief?”

“Yes, we never believe in religion right? I don’t change our belief, I mature it”

“Thank you for that. How about love life?”

“That’s one part of my life I can’t mature yet. You know we have hard time as a child right? I found it is harder for me to interact with younger human.”

“I thought that problem will vanish along time. Seems like we are wrong, huh?”

“Yes, we are wrong”

“Are you still having nightmare?”

“No, But I don’t like thinking about it”

“Much better. Even though when you don’t like it, it means you haven’t made peace with it, no?”

“You are right…”

“So.. where will you be going?”

“I’ll try to climb the stages once more. I want to see the life from up there. At least that’s what I am trying to do now, until I found a better life design.”

“OK, you have much more experience than me. I can’t give you any advice on that except talking with you. Good luck on your journey!”

“Thank you!”


Author: Irwan Kurniawan

I keep walking the paveway Look up to the gray sky A drop of rain fall on my nose Will today be raining?

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