Will today be raining?

a tale of rain drop

2012, 2013, a new year

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One more year has been passed. Once again, a thick page of my life has been turned all over once again. Once again, I am reading back for all the things has been happen this one last year. So, so, so, and so much things happened this year. I’ve give my best, even though I expect myself to do better. I might have gone through success and failure this year but one thing I don’t regret is that: “I’ve give my all, it’s not the best, but it’s my best. I know I can do better, but for the time it’s my best.”

I’ve just came back from my short vacation with my best pals from Lembang, West Java. While driving back to Jakarta, I am watching the sun sets (It’s kind of cloudy actually and I can see no sun, but the color mixture of cloudy sky, lightning, and the sun rays is a real beauty). While watching the wonderful scene, I keep thinking of what has been happened this one last year, and one big question remain: “What will I do for the next of my life?”.

My last post (1 year ago), telling that I was at the stage 1 of my seven stages of life. And now, I can reassure you, I am steadily climbing those stages and now I am at stage 2. Will I able to reach my third stage? That’s another question to answer. But one thing for sure, I can’t reach my seventh stages with my current pace. What has been sow by me not giving result as much as I expected.

I asked myself, where has it been gone wrong? Is it that I’m not sowing much enough? Or is it about the seed that I sow? Or is it the land? One thing I’m sure enough that I have sown much and much enough, more than enough actually. It’s proved, coz that’s what has been said to me: “I’ve been a value, I’ve been helped enough. I’ve been a great help.” Proud? Of course! I have pride in the things I do and have done. Satisfied? No. Not yet. Because I can’t move up on my stages of life quick enough with my current pace. Worse, I don’t even know whether I’ll be able to reach it with my current pace.

First question has been answered and with proved evidence, It’s not that I’m not given much enough. I’m not lacking behind, I’ve give my all and it’s been testified. Two question remains, the seed I can improve, the land not yet. OK, so there are 2 options: whether I should keep trying to improve the seed and the land or simply just move to another area and starting something new?

Left that question alone.

Another thing came into my mind. What is the real problem with me? Can I assure that even if everything goes as what I plan, I’ll reach the final stages? I doubt myself. Why? I found the answer, It’s because: “I’m not risking my life enough. Even though I’m trying harder than anyone, I keep playing it safe and never try to risk my life.” Now, I’m in my comfort zone. This life, this one, is enough, but not good enough. I can just stay in this place and keep running in my place and feel dissatisfied with myself while others looking at me and think that I’ve been “good enough”. I’m desperate enough to do that, but no, and hell no. I keep thinking about it and I rethink again, it’s no good. I’ll try to risk it, and I will risk it (while typing this, I hope that one day I’ll not be taking this word back and shove it deep through my throat).

*** This year (2012) is not a satisfied year yet (once again) for me ***


Author: Irwan Kurniawan

I keep walking the paveway Look up to the gray sky A drop of rain fall on my nose Will today be raining?

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